find things that are right

I should write a book compiled of quotes from my mother. In the past half an hour I've heard her utter some pretty profound things like,

"I could sit home and watch Desperate Housewives tonight, but then I'm just going to feel like one."

and

"Okay. I've got money, mace, I'm good to go."

.... sentences like that are golden.
Sunday night and I feel like I'm dreaming, maybe because I spent most of the day sleeping, but really I don't know what's going on or where the weekend went.

Here's a list of some things that are wrong:

• I'm alone...
• Well, there are 6 cats roaming around my house. 
• My boyfriend (who is already away and impossible to get a hold of) left for a month long European tour with The Adicts and a bunch of girls and it feels like he's taken up residence in a commune on Saturn. 
• My non boyfriend continues to worship and adore me and I continue to like it, still no physical contact. I am mean and apparently "a tease" but really my head is in a million different places at once, I can't tell up from down anymore, and all I want to do is love someone who is there but I don't know how... 
• I went to see family I hadn't seen in many many years last night, my cousins on my dad's side who are all older than me, mostly married with children chain smokers with heavy Brooklyn accents. I've distanced myself from that family for a reason, last night I remembered why. 
• My father got mad that I went to see my cousins instead of going to see him and his kids and his 26 year old wife who I've never met so he continues to call, not because he wants to talk to me and ask me how my day/week/life is, but because he wants to pressure me to become a part of something I don't feel okay with yet. 
• Then he had the 26 year old wife, who I'm pretty sure is the author of some anonymous hate mail I received after my grandmother died while I was in Berlin last, call me to confront me asking why I won't go to their house, and if she makes me uncomfortable, and to tell me that she couldn't have possibly written that letter because how could she hate me if she's never met me?
• I ended up in a heap of tears on my kitchen floor for a while and remembered why I stopped talking to him for 5 years. I'm thinking I should go back in for another 5. 
• I haven't been able to draw a decent house all day and it's making me crazy.

Here's a list of some things that are right:

• I rode a motorcycle in the freezing cold wearing a borrowed leather jacket, a giant helmut, and some leggings as I held on to someone who's heart I will break. The cold wind pierced through my skin at 60 mph and I hadn't felt so alive in weeks.
• On Tuesday the Marie Antoinette I've had unfinished on my arm for almost 3 years is finally getting colored in. 
• Black Friday didn't feel so black and after work I went to the American Folk Art museum and MOMA, it was perfect.
•  I took 2 Tylenol Extra Strength Rapid Releases and they took the pain away. 
• People may actually see my artwork now. You can find it in an Urban Outfitters newsletter, permanently tattooed on my friend's thigh, and on this website http://www.flickr.com/photos/flypelicanfly/ see moleskin collaboration and pick out which ones are mine. 

Illustrations of above mentioned:

My ex boyfriend is kind and Alex is brave.

  
she'll take her everywhere...

becoming red in the MOMA 
pretending to be Winona Ryder in Edward Scissorhands, also in MOMA

feeling slightly famous.

dog show

It's Thanksgiving, the dog show is on, in a few hours I'll be sitting around a table surrounded by my family staring at a giant dead bird, they will ask me what I'm thankful for and I won't know what to say. I've been stuck in a very dark place the past few months and I don't know how to save myself and it scares me. Every day I suppress this sadness, I'm really good at pretending everything is okay, but when I have any down time all the feelings I've been trying desperately to keep at bay come out in a shitstorm of tears and fury, maybe I'm unstable and weird but I think I'm finally ready to admit that I need help.

you feel farther than the farthest star in the sky

The Upper Crust

My landlord is making lots of noise in the hallway doing I don't know what. Scraping something, then hammering something, then scraping some more, like nails on a chalkboard. I'm getting annoyed.
I saw this band last night (after the rooftop and the naps, and the absence of hand holding). They were dressed exactly like this and sounded like AC/DC, who I don't particularly like, I had gone to see the bands that played before them, who were better, did not sound like AC/DC and were certainly not dressed like this. Someone threw a filled beer can at the lead singer's head, it was the manifestation of my inner desires and it was a marvelous thing to watch.

Saturday, Sat, Urday, Sa, Turday... confessions

Hello Saturday!
I'm thinking of you, though I shouldn't be.
I'm listening to The Kinks which makes me think of him but I'm simultaneously thinking of another him. The him that took me to the roof yesterday and showed me the sun setting over the trees and tall buildings surrounding Central Park, neither of us had our cameras but we took pictures with our eyes. We've never kissed, we've never held hands, I see him almost every day but we've never even hugged, we're strictly friends, but once, in the middle of the museum, you rested your head on my shoulder because you were tired and I was making you stay awake. We went to your place for naps, me on your couch, you in your room, you covered me with a big blanket and woke me up in time to walk me to my friend and then walked us to the rest of our night, you told her to make sure I got home okay and to be mindful of my two drink limit because you're always there and you always give a shit. You made us a book, you're an artist, we're going to exchange drawings every week, we have a list of restaurants and places and things we want to go to and see and do. Lots of girls want you, yet you spend your time with me, the girl with a boyfriend who has never given you anything, not even a hug, why do you do it? Why are you so nice to me? Why do you treat me the way I wish he did?
We're friends. We're just friends. Friends friends friends. I'm not thinking of you right now. I will not kiss you, I will not hold your hand, I won't even give you a hug.
I'm not thinking of you right now.
Right now, I'm not thinking of you.
I'm not.  

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!






I need a hug.

This morning's train ride I reminded myself that

prostitutes are people too.
people who talk to themselves and sing along to their ipods are people too.
drug addicts are people too.
people who obsess over Twilight are people too.
sleazy men who I catch eying my legs at 6:30am are people too.
people who's arms are so hairy they look like they're wearing long sleeved hair shirts are people too.

people are people are people

On Saturday my world looked exactly like this

Listening to The Modern Lovers and tuning everything else out

My mom came home from Monday night therapy and she sounded like this:

"Your stuff has to live on your chair. I need my wine chair. Did you go out with Sean? I thought you were going out with Sean today? Did you stay late at work? Did you eat something????"

I need to get out of here, and soon.

Maybe I'm the idiot.