what happens when you discover you're ill...

and no amount of tea will fix you? 

When this happens and you are me you go about your life as if nothing is wrong and you continue to drink lots of tea, 

just in case. 

You also take day trips on days off. Or weekend trips if you happen to be lucky enough to have a whole weekend off. 

You try to stay positive. 

You always dress the way you want to be remembered.  

today

i am twenty four

he brought me roses

and just like that

everything is okay again

Dear this week, and last week,

 Saturday and Sunday too,

You suck. 

Please stop sucking.

I'm stressed out and irritable. My head is pounding. 

Not even my red dress could cheer me up in this gloom.

I'm mad at just about everyone, except for my grandparents who took turns talking to me on the phone and remember that soon it's my birthday. 

It's hard to be ambitious when your day job has you down and you live with the people you work with and you get in trouble for things you shouldn't be getting in trouble for because you're a hard worker and you want to make everyone happy all the time but this is not possible and no matter how hard you work someone will always find something wrong with the way you do things.

It's hard to get fuzzies out of your eye without a mirror. 

It's hard to be a girl.  

It's hard to stay mad at the people you love. 

I'm grateful for the color red, my grammy and grandpa, grammy's hand embroidered denim jacket, antique pictures in frames, and promises that are kept. 

  

God damn I am

lonely lonely lonely

right now there's a bird on my shirt and a bruise on my knee

i am a fever, i am a fever

i ain't born typical

kills on loop

seriously

Fuck my idiot ex boyfriend. How did I let him treat me so bad for so long?

Fuck you and your shitty paintings that people will only want to buy because you were in a stupid fucking band that nobody cares about anymore.

Fuck Germany and skinny blondes. 

Fuck you for lying to me. 

Fuck jealousy, how is it even allowed to be a feeling?

I want to hear "I love you" again. 

I want him to mean it. 

I want to get married, I want a family and a real home with my very own Cuisinart mixer so I can bake all the sweets my little heart desires. I want a room with lots of sunshine and a screened-in porch and antique furniture and framed things of beauty all along the walls. I want a big easel and lots and lots of art supplies. 

I want work to stop sucking. 

I want to get the fuck out of New York. 

more from the beach

Today Mookie and I went to the beach