We broke up on Monday. We got back together 5 minutes later. No "I love you"s were said. Nothing. Just a long hug. I cried a lot and haven't been able to eat much since. I don't know what to do about anything anymore. I've forgone my usual method of dealing with life (eating my feelings) and instead replaced it with the much less healthy denial of feelings and so I'm starving them out. Yesterday I ate a muffin.
Today I woke up in his bed, he left for work very early, I woke up with him to say goodbye, I wanted to say "I love you" because I think maybe that will fix things but I couldn't, I told him via text instead, explaining that I was too afraid to say it out loud. He went to work, he didn't write me back. I couldn't fall back to sleep so I decorated a little tree he has in his room. I hung a sign around it that reads "The Tree Of Things I'm Afraid To Say". I wrote him a poem on tracing paper, I cut out each line and tied them with floss to different branches. I hung the most embarrassing words branch by branch:
I love you in the morning,
and in the afternoon,
I love you over breakfast,
I hope that's not too soon.
The truth is I love you all the time,
even when we fight,
I don't want to be without you,
because I love you day and night.
That's probably the cheesiest thing I've ever written and I'm not sure how he'll react but "The Tree Of Things I'm Afraid to Say" is a test. If he fails, it's over for real.
