confession

I am terrified of many things.
Some things include:

• forgetting everything
• my teeth falling out
• human centipedes and movies made about them 
• being alone
• ticks 
• getting shot and/or stabbed 
• spending any amount of time in jail
• getting pregnant
• losing a limb and/or becoming paralyzed 
• oil spills
• getting trapped in a fire

That's all I can think of right now, but I know there's more lingering inside of me somewhere. Anyway, it's a beautiful day, I have off from work, but right now I'm sitting inside of my windowless apartment thinking about all the things I'm afraid of. I think this is because I keep having nightmares. I woke up early after having dreamt I was sent to the Gulf of Mexico to administer drugs to animals that were soaked in oil. Everything about that spill makes me mad. Why are we even still using oil? It's because that industry has too much economic weight and so no one wants to go investing in any other sources of energy. Our world is built on money and that's the very thing that's destroying it. It's maddening to think of. I'm taking some art supplies and my sheet to the park, all I want to feel is the sun on my skin.

Motto of the day:
Try not to worry about things that aren't in your control. 

vacation

.tomorrow, Montauk...

dark party bars, shiny Cadillac cars

last week looked like this

Beauty chases the melancholy away. 

sometimes i feel crazy because

I never want to finish what I start

and 

I am always in love with what I can not have. 

i'm worried i'll love you forever

I just got off the phone.
I called him in New Mexico, crying.

"What's wrong?"
"I don't know, I just needed to hear the sound of your voice."

A bird flew out of the warm, still night and into his sister's bright house.
I heard hurried voices, flapping wings, a baby cry.

"I miss you."
"I miss you too."

my body is a wasteland

Dear whoever is reading this at this moment in time,

Hi. I miss writing a far too long daily email to someone I love who lives in another country. I've replaced this daily action with many others, some of which are illegal, none of which involve substance abuse (aside from the occasional drink or two), so don't you worry your pretty little head one bit. Some other daily actions now include: posse forming, graffitiing, motorcycle riding, and working longer hours than a person of sane mind should (though I suppose I did this before too). In the process of doing said activities I've managed to get little to no sleep over the past three days, burn my leg badly on the exhaust pipe of a motorcycle, permanently change the way my body will look forever part 7 and convince 3 other people to do the same with a drawing I drew, and give the Lower East Side a little face lift, Audrey style, there are 7 of her from Spring to Delancy, see if you can find them all. It's hot as hell in Brooklyn, and I'm starting to boil in my windowless cave, time to put the burn and I to bed. I'm thinking the burn should maybe have a name, it looks like a separate entity from my body because my not-so-terrible to look at legs now sport a big red blister which clings to the side of my right calf. I'll call it Gustav. Goodnight Gustav. Goodnight noisy neighbors. Goodnight discarded blankets.