Friday night we took photobooth pictures because we're losers and he wanted to have something to take with him but he left almost all of them with me. I've been trying not to look at them too much but I can't help it. I miss him.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Jamaicin' me crazy
He left for Jamaica this morning. He won't be back for a week. I see him every single day, he's my best friend, I have abandonment issues and I have to do without him for 7 days, I feel even worse than I thought I would. I feel a lot of things. I came home after 3 days and 2 nights of clinging to someone who makes me crazy and confused and happy and sad, I took a look in the mirror and found to my chagrin that some wrinkles have taken up residence between my eyebrows. 23 years of making strange faces and feeling too many things at once is catching up with me but aren't I a little young to be getting wrinkles? I feel old and lonely. I feel cold and cranky. I feel lost and isolated.
Friday night we took photobooth pictures because we're losers and he wanted to have something to take with him but he left almost all of them with me. I've been trying not to look at them too much but I can't help it. I miss him.
Friday night we took photobooth pictures because we're losers and he wanted to have something to take with him but he left almost all of them with me. I've been trying not to look at them too much but I can't help it. I miss him.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
stand still, you might hear the silence
Three people mistook me for a mannequin today.
I was busy watching as Seiji Ozawa enthusiastically conducted an orchestra whilst his grey chia pet hair flew everywhere and his tiny hands rapidly echoed silent instruments. He was magnified on a giant screen in the stereo exchange across the street, I saw the sound but heard nothing no matter how still I stood.
Yesterday I did so much ice skating that today my legs felt foreign. Lucky for me I got paid to stand in one spot for 2 hours and watch as Seiji swung his arms to a silent song.
No, I am not a mannequin, inside I'm dancing to a song I can only see.
I was busy watching as Seiji Ozawa enthusiastically conducted an orchestra whilst his grey chia pet hair flew everywhere and his tiny hands rapidly echoed silent instruments. He was magnified on a giant screen in the stereo exchange across the street, I saw the sound but heard nothing no matter how still I stood.
Yesterday I did so much ice skating that today my legs felt foreign. Lucky for me I got paid to stand in one spot for 2 hours and watch as Seiji swung his arms to a silent song.
No, I am not a mannequin, inside I'm dancing to a song I can only see.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
the glue is still wet
page 33 of our book.
I made it minutes ago and it sums up my weekend in ways I can't write out in words.
shiny distorted perfection
I can't explain,
I'm happy.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
things of interest
people, places, things.
nouns.
I'm interested in them all.
Also in the way this painting makes me feel:
Thank you Gustav.
nouns.
I'm interested in them all.
Also in the way this painting makes me feel:
Thank you Gustav.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
red moon is rising behind you
the ocean is pounding away
Haiti is living one of my worst nightmares, all I can do to help is give money in Whole Foods and buy all the cds we were playing at work, all proceeds went to relief so now I feebly feel like I helped a little and have The Walkmen as the soundtrack to my morning, that's a win win, but I still feel odd.
Last night I was around Wall Street meeting a friend for dinner. I've hardly been over there since September 11th because it terrifies me. I came home and wrote my boyfriend about it. I said, "That neighborhood is really strange to me, like another world, you have to pass the remains of the World Trade Center to get anywhere and it's still very surreal, there's people everywhere, they're all walking fast but orderly, lots of suits and everyone looks exactly the same, they're all looking ahead, in the middle of this synchronized uniformity there's a massive pit in the ground, jutting from it are these giant cranes brought in to help bandage the gaping wound that years later still stings..." I had a nightmare about him last night, when I woke up there was an email back that simply said, "Hi. Do you have a new boyfriend who is an artist? Be honest." The honest answer is no, so that's what I wrote back, but I feel like I'm still in a nightmare.
Tuesday night I stayed over Michael's, something caught fire out the window of the apartment bellow, I noticed the light against the wall of the building right next to his, walls don't ordinarily glow, I stuck my head out the window and saw the flames rising every second higher, they were just inches from my face, I shouted for Michael to come help, together we filled pots and pans with water which we hurriedly sent cascading against the hungry glow, other neighbors started to notice and freak out but we were the only ones doing anything, it took a lot of water and patience but we got it out and went to bed. Michael woke up every hour for the rest of the night, he had to look out the window to make sure there wasn't another fire, neither of us slept very well. Now he says I saved his life and had to write something on facebook about it, I guess that's what Chris saw. I feel like a terrible person, I'm stuck in a nightmare, I can't wake up.
Haiti is living one of my worst nightmares, all I can do to help is give money in Whole Foods and buy all the cds we were playing at work, all proceeds went to relief so now I feebly feel like I helped a little and have The Walkmen as the soundtrack to my morning, that's a win win, but I still feel odd.
Last night I was around Wall Street meeting a friend for dinner. I've hardly been over there since September 11th because it terrifies me. I came home and wrote my boyfriend about it. I said, "That neighborhood is really strange to me, like another world, you have to pass the remains of the World Trade Center to get anywhere and it's still very surreal, there's people everywhere, they're all walking fast but orderly, lots of suits and everyone looks exactly the same, they're all looking ahead, in the middle of this synchronized uniformity there's a massive pit in the ground, jutting from it are these giant cranes brought in to help bandage the gaping wound that years later still stings..." I had a nightmare about him last night, when I woke up there was an email back that simply said, "Hi. Do you have a new boyfriend who is an artist? Be honest." The honest answer is no, so that's what I wrote back, but I feel like I'm still in a nightmare.
Tuesday night I stayed over Michael's, something caught fire out the window of the apartment bellow, I noticed the light against the wall of the building right next to his, walls don't ordinarily glow, I stuck my head out the window and saw the flames rising every second higher, they were just inches from my face, I shouted for Michael to come help, together we filled pots and pans with water which we hurriedly sent cascading against the hungry glow, other neighbors started to notice and freak out but we were the only ones doing anything, it took a lot of water and patience but we got it out and went to bed. Michael woke up every hour for the rest of the night, he had to look out the window to make sure there wasn't another fire, neither of us slept very well. Now he says I saved his life and had to write something on facebook about it, I guess that's what Chris saw. I feel like a terrible person, I'm stuck in a nightmare, I can't wake up.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
a text from me to you
"Good evening captain. The tallest trees on the tallest hills bid good dreams"
To: Drew Hofstra
Sent: January 19, 2010 9:24pm
Sunday, January 17, 2010
I am wearing a big green cartigan
see?
It's raining and raining and raining....
The sky is dark. I stayed out all night last night, not because I wanted to, but because things were weird. I went for a drink after work with James, he drank a lot, I told Michael I'd meet him but that didn't happen until after 3am because traveling from Manhattan to Brooklyn involved a shared cab and a slice of pizza and a long wait for the L train surrounded by drunks and a group of Latino girls belting out old Destiny's Child. Bugaboo brings back memories. Finally found Michael but he was the drunkest I'd ever seen him, so drunk he could barely walk or talk, he was like a giant baby minus any shred of cuteness or innocence. I was too sober to handle it and thought about leaving him in the street and never talking to him again, that's how bad it was, but he was really grateful I found him and he took care of me the last time I was wasted so I dragged him home arm in arm and stuck him in bed but this wasn't until almost 6 in the morning. I woke up at 11am on the other side of Brooklyn where I find myself waking up a lot these days, only this morning I was somehow wedged on the edge of his bed and sweating because he was strangely sprawled everywhere yet attached to me, I wanted to run away, I wanted to get back to Berlin somehow, the sheets smelled like alcohol and I felt trapped. I got him to wake up and we went to brunch at my favorite place called Lodge, they have the best pancakes I've ever had in my whole life and today they let me get banana and chocolate chip which is usually a major no no, you're supposed to pick one or the other, I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw both and I practically hugged our waiter. It might seem pathetic but I can't describe the feeling of elation I got seeing both chocolate chips and bananas nestled in 3 giant pancakes and covered in butter and powdered sugar, I almost started to cry, I guess it's been an emotional week. Oh, I also had 2 Hot Toddy's, the best drink ever invented. Mike wanted me to go back home with him but I just wanted to get back to my crazy cat house to see if Chris was on skype, he was on for a little yesterday, he said he'd be on today but he's not and I guess I'm not surprised. We still need to talk about things, I need to man up and end it but I still love him and think about him all the time, I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm so confused.
Michael's coming over in a little while, I don't understand why he wants to spend so much time with me, I don't feel like I'm being very nice or fair, I know I'm not, but it's Sunday evening, it's raining, it's cold, and he wants to spend an hour taking 3 trains and a long walk to get to me. I don't get it...
Two Hot Toddy's made the world spin a little, a few hours ago I was taking my three trains home and I started to think really profound thoughts but didn't write any down, I fell asleep and forgot them all, when I woke up I was on the R, I was almost home, I was looking at the woman sitting across from me, she was reflected in my black patent leather bag, everything was but it all looked different, blurry, the yellow "R to 95th street" sign moved and glowed and she looked like a lamb sitting under it, I wanted to be a part of the world reflected back to me.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
from liquid to solid to liquid again
I'm sitting in my house. I'm on the phone with my mom and typing with one hand simultaneously, it's challenging. She said, "You haven't been home for days!" and "Feel free to match socks if you want," now she's going on and on about cats, nothing she says requires a response but on occasion I let out a slow grunt so she thinks I'm paying attention. I had to be at work at 3:45 this morning, I do not feel like matching socks, this goes without saying, so I grunt instead. There's a giant heap of litter in the middle of my bedroom floor that wasn't there when I left, I want to be mad about it but all I can do is grunt. I don't want to be in my own skin anymore.
Finally heard from the boyfriend today, after falling off the the planet for over a week he writes me a lengthy email that says many things, to sum it up, he doesn't want to move back to the states and he thinks we need to figure ourselves out, the first part makes me upset, the second part is painfully true. I'm frustrated and confused and mad and then he writes, "I just want you to know that what I feel for you is real...Its always been from the first night I saw you, the first time I looked into your eyes, it won't change no matter what happens. I'll always feel that way no matter what. I'll always love you." And just when I thought my heart couldn't break anymore than it already is, it does, because I believe him and because I feel exactly the same, I've always loved him, I always will, but I don't think I can have him, I have to give up the dream, I have to let myself move on. He ends by saying we're not over, not for him, and that he wants me more than anything but he's just as confused as he's sure I am. So nothing is solved, everything is still up in the air, he promises we'll talk soon but his promises mean very little to me now and I know that the closure I need won't come for a while...
Tomorrow I have a date with the non boyfriend, we're going ice skating, I need this badly. I need someone to hold my hand, I need to feel the cold, I need the movement, I want to glide over something solid but something that melts, I want to fall hard and feel it, the bruise, the ice burn against my hand when I push myself back up again, then back to gliding, the closest I'll get to flying away...
Tomorrow I ice skate but right now I'm home, surrounded by seven cats, a mysterious pile of litter sits in the middle of my bedroom floor, right now I want to eat chips and guacamole until I vomit. Right now it's dark, I'm in my underoos, right now I'm closing the curtains, I'm going to bed early again tonight.
Finally heard from the boyfriend today, after falling off the the planet for over a week he writes me a lengthy email that says many things, to sum it up, he doesn't want to move back to the states and he thinks we need to figure ourselves out, the first part makes me upset, the second part is painfully true. I'm frustrated and confused and mad and then he writes, "I just want you to know that what I feel for you is real...Its always been from the first night I saw you, the first time I looked into your eyes, it won't change no matter what happens. I'll always feel that way no matter what. I'll always love you." And just when I thought my heart couldn't break anymore than it already is, it does, because I believe him and because I feel exactly the same, I've always loved him, I always will, but I don't think I can have him, I have to give up the dream, I have to let myself move on. He ends by saying we're not over, not for him, and that he wants me more than anything but he's just as confused as he's sure I am. So nothing is solved, everything is still up in the air, he promises we'll talk soon but his promises mean very little to me now and I know that the closure I need won't come for a while...
Tomorrow I have a date with the non boyfriend, we're going ice skating, I need this badly. I need someone to hold my hand, I need to feel the cold, I need the movement, I want to glide over something solid but something that melts, I want to fall hard and feel it, the bruise, the ice burn against my hand when I push myself back up again, then back to gliding, the closest I'll get to flying away...
Tomorrow I ice skate but right now I'm home, surrounded by seven cats, a mysterious pile of litter sits in the middle of my bedroom floor, right now I want to eat chips and guacamole until I vomit. Right now it's dark, I'm in my underoos, right now I'm closing the curtains, I'm going to bed early again tonight.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Don't handle the kitten or open its cage!!!
Bonjour blog.
I've had a week.
Have you?
In this week I got le sick, then I got le better again. I worked really hard and should have a massive paycheck come Thursday for the ridiculous amount of overtime I put in. My brain feels like mush. Friday night I went to a coworker's art show and stood in the middle of a black carpet wearing my favorite red coat surrounded by the oddest black and white drawings you could ever imagine. for example:
fecal face wrote about him, check it here http://www.fecalface.com/SF/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=1811&Itemid=88
I drank entirely too much, more than I ever do, and Michael practically had to carry me back to his place, that's how stupid I was, not cute. Saturday we slept late then I had to work 4pm-1am which sucked ass but Michael met up with me after and I stayed over Saturday night too. Sunday we slept late part deux then made brownies and went to his friend's post holiday brunch party which was in the cutest little apartment in Bedstuy. The boys were wearing bow ties and suspenders, the girls were in dresses, everyone was beautiful and older than me but I felt okay, I felt like they were the kind of people I'd like to be around, excpet the statuesque girl he dated once, she made me feel weird. I was going to go home after but drank far too much once again and ordinarily I'd be mad at myself but I think it's necessary to drink lots when you're thrown into a party consisting solely of the boy who wants to be your boyfriend's closest friends and you don't know a single soul and the hosts are professional bartenders and they've compiled the most appealing drink menu you've ever seen and it's all free, then drink drink drink I say and that's exactly what I did... I was smashed. So for three nights in a row Michael woke up with a weirdo in his bed which I'm happy to say made both of us happy and I'm starting to feel more comfortable with the direction things are going in, that is, away from Berlin and towards Brooklyn. A breakup is imminent yet terrifying. January 6th was the last time I heard from Berlin, he ended an email saying we'd talk soon and that he loves me but I haven't heard from him since, I need it to be over, I finally feel okay saying that, it's huge. 2 years, for 2 years I gave that boy all I had, I think I might be ready to take it all back, he doesn't deserve cross continental visits and expensive plane tickets, he doesn't deserve my heart.
Michael and I went to work together today, then I came back home for the first time in three days to the crazy mother and a house that has 7 cats again. This is because the craziest of the crazies scooped another one off the street yesterday but this one bit her badly so her hand is all messed up and the wild thing is locked in a cage but she's working on taming it so she can have it adopted. I wonder if anyone else comes home to post-its attached to their computer that read, "Em- Don't handle the kitten or open its cage!!!" There must be someone else out there.
It's only 7:30 but I am going to bed. I have to be at work at 5am tomorrow morning because this week is inventory. Wednesday I have to be in at 3:45am. I hate my job, seriously. Let's run away together. To some place warm. Wouldn't that be lovely? Lovely lovely....
I've had a week.
Have you?
In this week I got le sick, then I got le better again. I worked really hard and should have a massive paycheck come Thursday for the ridiculous amount of overtime I put in. My brain feels like mush. Friday night I went to a coworker's art show and stood in the middle of a black carpet wearing my favorite red coat surrounded by the oddest black and white drawings you could ever imagine. for example:
fecal face wrote about him, check it here http://www.fecalface.com/SF/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=1811&Itemid=88
I drank entirely too much, more than I ever do, and Michael practically had to carry me back to his place, that's how stupid I was, not cute. Saturday we slept late then I had to work 4pm-1am which sucked ass but Michael met up with me after and I stayed over Saturday night too. Sunday we slept late part deux then made brownies and went to his friend's post holiday brunch party which was in the cutest little apartment in Bedstuy. The boys were wearing bow ties and suspenders, the girls were in dresses, everyone was beautiful and older than me but I felt okay, I felt like they were the kind of people I'd like to be around, excpet the statuesque girl he dated once, she made me feel weird. I was going to go home after but drank far too much once again and ordinarily I'd be mad at myself but I think it's necessary to drink lots when you're thrown into a party consisting solely of the boy who wants to be your boyfriend's closest friends and you don't know a single soul and the hosts are professional bartenders and they've compiled the most appealing drink menu you've ever seen and it's all free, then drink drink drink I say and that's exactly what I did... I was smashed. So for three nights in a row Michael woke up with a weirdo in his bed which I'm happy to say made both of us happy and I'm starting to feel more comfortable with the direction things are going in, that is, away from Berlin and towards Brooklyn. A breakup is imminent yet terrifying. January 6th was the last time I heard from Berlin, he ended an email saying we'd talk soon and that he loves me but I haven't heard from him since, I need it to be over, I finally feel okay saying that, it's huge. 2 years, for 2 years I gave that boy all I had, I think I might be ready to take it all back, he doesn't deserve cross continental visits and expensive plane tickets, he doesn't deserve my heart.
Michael and I went to work together today, then I came back home for the first time in three days to the crazy mother and a house that has 7 cats again. This is because the craziest of the crazies scooped another one off the street yesterday but this one bit her badly so her hand is all messed up and the wild thing is locked in a cage but she's working on taming it so she can have it adopted. I wonder if anyone else comes home to post-its attached to their computer that read, "Em- Don't handle the kitten or open its cage!!!" There must be someone else out there.
It's only 7:30 but I am going to bed. I have to be at work at 5am tomorrow morning because this week is inventory. Wednesday I have to be in at 3:45am. I hate my job, seriously. Let's run away together. To some place warm. Wouldn't that be lovely? Lovely lovely....
Monday, January 4, 2010
maybe 2010 won't be so terrible...
One of the things I like about a new year is a new calendar. I strongly suggest purchasing a calendar that makes you smile all year long, it's a little thing you can do to make yourself a little happier and sometimes little things are the best things. Last year I bought myself an Audrey Hepburn calendar, which in itself made me very happy, but I made it even better by defacing her every month. Check out Audrey in October 2009
I was sad when 2009 ended for several reasons, one of which was because I couldn't deface Audrey every month anymore. Yesterday Michael came back from his little New Years trip and surprised me with the best present ever, an Audrey Hepburn 2010 calendar he brought back all the way from North Carolina!!! Here's to boys who know just how to make you smile and to another year of defacing Audrey!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Let's rewind time...
It's New Year's Eve and I'm home alone.
The mom is out with her new best friend, some girl she works with who's only a few years older than me, I suspect she must be going through her midlife crisis, could that explain all the cats and the strange boyfriends and the yelling at me for nothing and the staying out all night drinking with best friends her daughter's age?
The boyfriend is djing a bar in Berlin called "Jail", he comes on skype long enough to make me feel terrible and cry, he gets off without saying goodbye, he hasn't tried to get in touch with me since.
The non boyfriend, the only person who's made me feel at all good about myself in the past few months is in North Carolina because he made these plans months ago, before he knew we'd turn into something. I remember, when we were still just friends and he could tell me things like this, he was talking to some girl in this state of the south, sending her letters, planning trips, I had my suspicions he was down there seeing her. Before he leaves he writes me a letter and sticks it in our book, in it he tells me he loves me and that we should figure things out when he gets back because he "wants to be happy and that's with me", he doesn't want to be in limbo anymore and I don't blame him but I am still very confused and heartbroken and lost and that's just where I am right now. He came back today, we're doing something, we'll have to talk, but I don't know what to say.
It's New Year's Eve and I'm home alone, I'm holding a love letter, my boyfriend is making me cry, I'm turning the tv on for the first time in months, I'm watching as Dick Clark struggles to talk and screws up the countdown, why the fuck do they still drag that poor old man in front of a camera every fucking year? He had a fucking stroke! He can't fucking talk and you assholes are having him count from 10-1?! What the fuck? Is that some kind of cruel joke?!
It's New Year's Eve and I'm home alone, I'm staring into the medicine cabinet and thinking suicidal thoughts even though I told myself that this year I'd think less of those. Don't worry, I don't have enough courage to go through with it, but I'm staring into the medicine cabinet and thinking of all the ways I could, my mom comes home, she's drunk, she tells me Happy New Year, she sees that I'm crying but doesn't say a thing, she tucks herself in bed, I cry myself to sleep. Bonjour 2010, I think we're off to a great start.
The mom is out with her new best friend, some girl she works with who's only a few years older than me, I suspect she must be going through her midlife crisis, could that explain all the cats and the strange boyfriends and the yelling at me for nothing and the staying out all night drinking with best friends her daughter's age?
The boyfriend is djing a bar in Berlin called "Jail", he comes on skype long enough to make me feel terrible and cry, he gets off without saying goodbye, he hasn't tried to get in touch with me since.
The non boyfriend, the only person who's made me feel at all good about myself in the past few months is in North Carolina because he made these plans months ago, before he knew we'd turn into something. I remember, when we were still just friends and he could tell me things like this, he was talking to some girl in this state of the south, sending her letters, planning trips, I had my suspicions he was down there seeing her. Before he leaves he writes me a letter and sticks it in our book, in it he tells me he loves me and that we should figure things out when he gets back because he "wants to be happy and that's with me", he doesn't want to be in limbo anymore and I don't blame him but I am still very confused and heartbroken and lost and that's just where I am right now. He came back today, we're doing something, we'll have to talk, but I don't know what to say.
It's New Year's Eve and I'm home alone, I'm holding a love letter, my boyfriend is making me cry, I'm turning the tv on for the first time in months, I'm watching as Dick Clark struggles to talk and screws up the countdown, why the fuck do they still drag that poor old man in front of a camera every fucking year? He had a fucking stroke! He can't fucking talk and you assholes are having him count from 10-1?! What the fuck? Is that some kind of cruel joke?!
It's New Year's Eve and I'm home alone, I'm staring into the medicine cabinet and thinking suicidal thoughts even though I told myself that this year I'd think less of those. Don't worry, I don't have enough courage to go through with it, but I'm staring into the medicine cabinet and thinking of all the ways I could, my mom comes home, she's drunk, she tells me Happy New Year, she sees that I'm crying but doesn't say a thing, she tucks herself in bed, I cry myself to sleep. Bonjour 2010, I think we're off to a great start.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
you're golden
I'm leaving for my grandparent's house.
Today is their 50th Anniversary, it's golden.
I drew this for them
Friday, January 1, 2010
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