see?
It's raining and raining and raining....
The sky is dark. I stayed out all night last night, not because I wanted to, but because things were weird. I went for a drink after work with James, he drank a lot, I told Michael I'd meet him but that didn't happen until after 3am because traveling from Manhattan to Brooklyn involved a shared cab and a slice of pizza and a long wait for the L train surrounded by drunks and a group of Latino girls belting out old Destiny's Child. Bugaboo brings back memories. Finally found Michael but he was the drunkest I'd ever seen him, so drunk he could barely walk or talk, he was like a giant baby minus any shred of cuteness or innocence. I was too sober to handle it and thought about leaving him in the street and never talking to him again, that's how bad it was, but he was really grateful I found him and he took care of me the last time I was wasted so I dragged him home arm in arm and stuck him in bed but this wasn't until almost 6 in the morning. I woke up at 11am on the other side of Brooklyn where I find myself waking up a lot these days, only this morning I was somehow wedged on the edge of his bed and sweating because he was strangely sprawled everywhere yet attached to me, I wanted to run away, I wanted to get back to Berlin somehow, the sheets smelled like alcohol and I felt trapped. I got him to wake up and we went to brunch at my favorite place called Lodge, they have the best pancakes I've ever had in my whole life and today they let me get banana and chocolate chip which is usually a major no no, you're supposed to pick one or the other, I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw both and I practically hugged our waiter. It might seem pathetic but I can't describe the feeling of elation I got seeing both chocolate chips and bananas nestled in 3 giant pancakes and covered in butter and powdered sugar, I almost started to cry, I guess it's been an emotional week. Oh, I also had 2 Hot Toddy's, the best drink ever invented. Mike wanted me to go back home with him but I just wanted to get back to my crazy cat house to see if Chris was on skype, he was on for a little yesterday, he said he'd be on today but he's not and I guess I'm not surprised. We still need to talk about things, I need to man up and end it but I still love him and think about him all the time, I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm so confused.
Michael's coming over in a little while, I don't understand why he wants to spend so much time with me, I don't feel like I'm being very nice or fair, I know I'm not, but it's Sunday evening, it's raining, it's cold, and he wants to spend an hour taking 3 trains and a long walk to get to me. I don't get it...
Two Hot Toddy's made the world spin a little, a few hours ago I was taking my three trains home and I started to think really profound thoughts but didn't write any down, I fell asleep and forgot them all, when I woke up I was on the R, I was almost home, I was looking at the woman sitting across from me, she was reflected in my black patent leather bag, everything was but it all looked different, blurry, the yellow "R to 95th street" sign moved and glowed and she looked like a lamb sitting under it, I wanted to be a part of the world reflected back to me.
