Let's rewind time...

It's New Year's Eve and I'm home alone.
The mom is out with her new best friend, some girl she works with who's only a few years older than me, I suspect she must be going through her midlife crisis, could that explain all the cats and the strange boyfriends and the yelling at me for nothing and the staying out all night drinking with best friends her daughter's age?
The boyfriend is djing a bar in Berlin called "Jail", he comes on skype long enough to make me feel terrible and cry, he gets off without saying goodbye, he hasn't tried to get in touch with me since.
The non boyfriend, the only person who's made me feel at all good about myself in the past few months is in North Carolina because he made these plans months ago, before he knew we'd turn into something. I remember, when we were still just friends and he could tell me things like this, he was talking to some girl in this state of the south, sending her letters, planning trips, I had my suspicions he was down there seeing her. Before he leaves he writes me a letter and sticks it in our book, in it he tells me he loves me and that we should figure things out when he gets back because he "wants to be happy and that's with me", he doesn't want to be in limbo anymore and I don't blame him but I am still very confused and heartbroken and lost and that's just where I am right now. He came back today, we're doing something, we'll have to talk, but I don't know what to say.
It's New Year's Eve and I'm home alone, I'm holding a love letter, my boyfriend is making me cry, I'm turning the tv on for the first time in months, I'm watching as Dick Clark struggles to talk and screws up the countdown, why the fuck do they still drag that poor old man in front of a camera every fucking year? He had a fucking stroke! He can't fucking talk and you assholes are having him count from 10-1?! What the fuck? Is that some kind of cruel joke?!
It's New Year's Eve and I'm home alone, I'm staring into the medicine cabinet and thinking suicidal thoughts even though I told myself that this year I'd think less of those. Don't worry, I don't have enough courage to go through with it, but I'm staring into the medicine cabinet and thinking of all the ways I could, my mom comes home, she's drunk, she tells me Happy New Year, she sees that I'm crying but doesn't say a thing, she tucks herself in bed, I cry myself to sleep. Bonjour 2010, I think we're off to a great start.