from liquid to solid to liquid again

I'm sitting in my house. I'm on the phone with my mom and typing with one hand simultaneously, it's challenging. She said, "You haven't been home for days!" and "Feel free to match socks if you want," now she's going on and on about cats, nothing she says requires a response but on occasion I let out a slow grunt so she thinks I'm paying attention. I had to be at work at 3:45 this morning, I do not feel like matching socks, this goes without saying, so I grunt instead. There's a giant heap of litter in the middle of my bedroom floor that wasn't there when I left, I want to be mad about it but all I can do is grunt. I don't want to be in my own skin anymore.
Finally heard from the boyfriend today, after falling off the the planet for over a week he writes me a lengthy email that says many things, to sum it up, he doesn't want to move back to the states and he thinks we need to figure ourselves out, the first part makes me upset, the second part is painfully true. I'm frustrated and confused and mad and then he writes, "I just want you to know that what I feel for you is real...Its always been from the first night I saw you, the first time I looked into your eyes, it won't change no matter what happens. I'll always feel that way no matter what. I'll always love you." And just when I thought my heart couldn't break anymore than it already is, it does, because I believe him and because I feel exactly the same, I've always loved him, I always will, but I don't think I can have him, I have to give up the dream, I have to let myself move on. He ends by saying we're not over, not for him, and that he wants me more than anything but he's just as confused as he's sure I am. So nothing is solved, everything is still up in the air, he promises we'll talk soon but his promises mean very little to me now and I know that the closure I need won't come for a while...
Tomorrow I have a date with the non boyfriend, we're going ice skating, I need this badly. I need someone to hold my hand, I need to feel the cold, I need the movement, I want to glide over something solid but something that melts, I want to fall hard and feel it, the bruise, the ice burn against my hand when I push myself back up again, then back to gliding, the closest I'll get to flying away...
Tomorrow I ice skate but right now I'm home, surrounded by seven cats, a mysterious pile of litter sits in the middle of my bedroom floor, right now I want to eat chips and guacamole until I vomit. Right now it's dark, I'm in my underoos, right now I'm closing the curtains, I'm going to bed early again tonight.