" I <3 you"
From: Mookie Monster
Sent: Wednesday, July 28, 2010 3:01pm
At least somebunny does.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Emilyism #23
If the door won't open, you should probably use a different key.
We broke up on Monday. We got back together 5 minutes later. No "I love you"s were said. Nothing. Just a long hug. I cried a lot and haven't been able to eat much since. I don't know what to do about anything anymore. I've forgone my usual method of dealing with life (eating my feelings) and instead replaced it with the much less healthy denial of feelings and so I'm starving them out. Yesterday I ate a muffin.
Today I woke up in his bed, he left for work very early, I woke up with him to say goodbye, I wanted to say "I love you" because I think maybe that will fix things but I couldn't, I told him via text instead, explaining that I was too afraid to say it out loud. He went to work, he didn't write me back. I couldn't fall back to sleep so I decorated a little tree he has in his room. I hung a sign around it that reads "The Tree Of Things I'm Afraid To Say". I wrote him a poem on tracing paper, I cut out each line and tied them with floss to different branches. I hung the most embarrassing words branch by branch:
That's probably the cheesiest thing I've ever written and I'm not sure how he'll react but "The Tree Of Things I'm Afraid to Say" is a test. If he fails, it's over for real.
We broke up on Monday. We got back together 5 minutes later. No "I love you"s were said. Nothing. Just a long hug. I cried a lot and haven't been able to eat much since. I don't know what to do about anything anymore. I've forgone my usual method of dealing with life (eating my feelings) and instead replaced it with the much less healthy denial of feelings and so I'm starving them out. Yesterday I ate a muffin.
Today I woke up in his bed, he left for work very early, I woke up with him to say goodbye, I wanted to say "I love you" because I think maybe that will fix things but I couldn't, I told him via text instead, explaining that I was too afraid to say it out loud. He went to work, he didn't write me back. I couldn't fall back to sleep so I decorated a little tree he has in his room. I hung a sign around it that reads "The Tree Of Things I'm Afraid To Say". I wrote him a poem on tracing paper, I cut out each line and tied them with floss to different branches. I hung the most embarrassing words branch by branch:
I love you in the morning,
and in the afternoon,
I love you over breakfast,
I hope that's not too soon.
The truth is I love you all the time,
even when we fight,
I don't want to be without you,
because I love you day and night.
That's probably the cheesiest thing I've ever written and I'm not sure how he'll react but "The Tree Of Things I'm Afraid to Say" is a test. If he fails, it's over for real.
Monday, July 26, 2010
breakfast:
chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.
I won't get into it but yesterday was not a very good day. I feel my relationship coming to an end really soon and all I want is chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. No other ice cream gets me quite like that one does, crunchy dark chocolate chips, smooth vanilla ice cream, yummy hunks of gooey dough, I could drown in it and it'd be the most blissful death imaginable. In March my two year relationship with someone I really loved ended, In April I was in another, with my best friend, and while he was there for me through all the heartbreak and helped build me up again, I'm realizing more and more every day that we're not really right for each other and I need it to end soon. I'm scared and unsure of what my next move should be. My art class ended on Saturday and my supplies went missing, I want to paint but right now can't, I'm unhappy at work, my relationship is failing, it's hot, my bathtub won't drain properly, I'm feeling a little hopeless and dejected. Cookie dough ice cream fixes everything.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Goodbye Kitty
If I was your daughter and you asked me to catsit your gazillions of cats for a few days, you too would be getting this note of welcome:
Mumzie-doo,
Welcome back to the land of cats! And crazy midgets who wear t-shits that say "Little Jimmy"! And the weirdest land lady of all time (who I luckily had no run-ins with so she doesn't know you were even gone, though I did have one with the equally, if not more-so crazy grandson but he doesn't know you were gone either, conversation lasted about 2 seconds)!
I am writing you this welcome back re-cap Wednesday night which means I'll still have tomorrow morning to finish my duties but I'll have to get to work and won't want to think about note writing so I'm writing it now, if anything crazy happens I'll add a post script before I dash out the door.
So, cats were good, except that Mr. Ferris is bad about being locked up with urine food, but I already told you that. Liz was weird about being locked up with the boys the first two nights, I think she was just shy, so she stayed out all night with Kidden, tonight, however, she went right in. Giving all those meds to the kitten 2 times a day is a lot of work! In fact all the cats are a lot of work, I don't know how you do it! Kitten is good about her meds but it was hard to do eye creme, I hope I did a good enough job, I think I got some on the actual eyeball everytime. I fed her all the baby food just because she likes it the most and I'd get nervous when she wouldn't eat much of the wet or dry food because I wanted to make sure she was eating, so I used up the last of the baby food tonight.
I can't say I'm a huge fan of that clumping litter, there's lots of pee clumps in the bathroom garbage, I tried to get all poops out. I feel like the clumpy stuff just turns into one big clump at the bottom of the box that's impossible to get up. How do you deal with something like that? I started to feel like I was an archeologist going on some sort of rock dig after a while, only I had a pooper scooper in my hand and the rock I was picking at was really just a massive block of hardened cat piss. Good times.
Okay, I think that's everything. I ate a lot of your food. There's still some hummus and carrot sticks. No more cookies, a bite of lentils but they started to scare me towards the end. Enjoy your time back home! I get out of work at 9:00pm, maybe a little later, I usually have to stay late, but I'll try calling either when I get out or when I get home!
Talk to you soonsies!
<3 cat sitta emily
Mumzie-doo,
Welcome back to the land of cats! And crazy midgets who wear t-shits that say "Little Jimmy"! And the weirdest land lady of all time (who I luckily had no run-ins with so she doesn't know you were even gone, though I did have one with the equally, if not more-so crazy grandson but he doesn't know you were gone either, conversation lasted about 2 seconds)!
I am writing you this welcome back re-cap Wednesday night which means I'll still have tomorrow morning to finish my duties but I'll have to get to work and won't want to think about note writing so I'm writing it now, if anything crazy happens I'll add a post script before I dash out the door.
So, cats were good, except that Mr. Ferris is bad about being locked up with urine food, but I already told you that. Liz was weird about being locked up with the boys the first two nights, I think she was just shy, so she stayed out all night with Kidden, tonight, however, she went right in. Giving all those meds to the kitten 2 times a day is a lot of work! In fact all the cats are a lot of work, I don't know how you do it! Kitten is good about her meds but it was hard to do eye creme, I hope I did a good enough job, I think I got some on the actual eyeball everytime. I fed her all the baby food just because she likes it the most and I'd get nervous when she wouldn't eat much of the wet or dry food because I wanted to make sure she was eating, so I used up the last of the baby food tonight.
I can't say I'm a huge fan of that clumping litter, there's lots of pee clumps in the bathroom garbage, I tried to get all poops out. I feel like the clumpy stuff just turns into one big clump at the bottom of the box that's impossible to get up. How do you deal with something like that? I started to feel like I was an archeologist going on some sort of rock dig after a while, only I had a pooper scooper in my hand and the rock I was picking at was really just a massive block of hardened cat piss. Good times.
Okay, I think that's everything. I ate a lot of your food. There's still some hummus and carrot sticks. No more cookies, a bite of lentils but they started to scare me towards the end. Enjoy your time back home! I get out of work at 9:00pm, maybe a little later, I usually have to stay late, but I'll try calling either when I get out or when I get home!
Talk to you soonsies!
<3 cat sitta emily
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
The Perks of Being in Bay Ridge
- I can sunbathe on the balcony (though it's not very private, I have to try really hard to pretend I'm on the beach, and I feel like all the weirdo neighbors are oogling me in my bikini).
- I can be as lazy as I want since there's nothing to do, I'm catching up on sleep.
- I haven't seen so much food in a fridge since the day I moved out. Happiness is built on eating and sleeping.
- Food Network and Alton Brown. I almost forgot how much I love Alton Brown.
How did you get so smart? Would it be possible for you to one day come over and make me a meal? I just watched you stuff tomatoes, they looked really really good, I don't think I could do that on my own though. What would I have to do to get you to come out here, make me stuffed tomatoes, and tell me all sorts of interesting facts about food? Just so you know, I find you very attractive and wouldn't be opposed to making out. Just putting that out there, do with it what you will.
Hope to one day be acquainted with you and your tomatoes.
Yours in food,
Emily
Monday, July 19, 2010
Texts from me to you
"I'm not mad, I'm getting ready for bed. I think I'll sleep for days. When I wake up my mom will be home and the cats will be skinnier and wiser."
To: Sean R.
Sent: Monday, July 20, 2010 2:37am
To: Sean R.
Sent: Monday, July 20, 2010 2:37am
back where I began
It's a very late hour and I find myself sitting alone in the dining room of my mother's apartment in Bay Ridge. Ordinarily you would never find me sitting here, much less so late, but for the next few days here I will sit, in a part of Brooklyn that now feels like the middle of nowhere, cat sitting. I look around at the familiar furniture, cracks in the walls, dusty eucalyptus plant, mom's big blue floral painting mounted on the wall, and this feeling of distant deja-vu washes over me not from a dream or a premonition but from memory, because this was once my life. This small apartment in this strange neighborhood did not just house my mother and all her cats but me too, it was my home. Home, a place sacred and treasured. Now, just months later I find myself feeling incredibly detached, foreign, my mind has turned my dear old home into nothing more in my life but a bizarre memory.
By the time I made it here after sitting on two trains for an hour post work, the house was vacant except for the myriad of cats looking at me who all seemed indubitably hot, hungry and pissed. I promptly read from the long list of handwritten instructions left by my mother "there's pierogi's, hummus, tortellini salad, veggies, and take out menus if you want to treat yourself...Kitten meds are in the fridge...Just make sure poops are flushed, other waste in bathroom bag, and fresh water for outside cats too... They are great at being "put to bed" at night, they all settle right down..." Various other descriptions, a list of phone numbers of importance, and two $20 bills were also included.
I began the dance she performs three times a day every day, and now, 2 hours later, I can say I'm sitting alone in the dining room of the apartment I grew up in, there are 4 fed stray cats somewhere outside, 2 fat male cats and 2 skinny black cats are locked in the bathroom, also fed but with special urinary tract food, there are 2 shy female cats with dark dry fur locked in my mom's room, they've been fed regular food, the weirdest and skinniest of cats who pretends to want to rub against your shins but really doesn't enjoy being touched and likes her food watered down is under the bed in the living room, also fed, and the kitten's medicines (some that need to be administered via syringe to the mouth, some via a creme to the eye) are laying out on the counter waiting to be put back in the fridge while the kitten, fully medicated and fed, sleeps soundly in my old room. 12 cats have been fed, the paint is still peeling slowly off the walls, my old books remain on their Ikea shelf, ancient magazines and newspapers still lay about in piles and here I sit exhausted and bemused as I've just relived my mother's daily life. Now, there's a lot more going on in her life than just cats but it's puzzling how much thought, time, energy, and money she pours into all the smelly little affection-whores. It's no wonder I spent so much of my post graduation money on international flights and she's often so on edge. For the next few days I'm trapped in the life I ran away from, this is no longer my home, but for the remaining seventy two hours I'll have to call it that.
Did you say there was hummus?
By the time I made it here after sitting on two trains for an hour post work, the house was vacant except for the myriad of cats looking at me who all seemed indubitably hot, hungry and pissed. I promptly read from the long list of handwritten instructions left by my mother "there's pierogi's, hummus, tortellini salad, veggies, and take out menus if you want to treat yourself...Kitten meds are in the fridge...Just make sure poops are flushed, other waste in bathroom bag, and fresh water for outside cats too... They are great at being "put to bed" at night, they all settle right down..." Various other descriptions, a list of phone numbers of importance, and two $20 bills were also included.
I began the dance she performs three times a day every day, and now, 2 hours later, I can say I'm sitting alone in the dining room of the apartment I grew up in, there are 4 fed stray cats somewhere outside, 2 fat male cats and 2 skinny black cats are locked in the bathroom, also fed but with special urinary tract food, there are 2 shy female cats with dark dry fur locked in my mom's room, they've been fed regular food, the weirdest and skinniest of cats who pretends to want to rub against your shins but really doesn't enjoy being touched and likes her food watered down is under the bed in the living room, also fed, and the kitten's medicines (some that need to be administered via syringe to the mouth, some via a creme to the eye) are laying out on the counter waiting to be put back in the fridge while the kitten, fully medicated and fed, sleeps soundly in my old room. 12 cats have been fed, the paint is still peeling slowly off the walls, my old books remain on their Ikea shelf, ancient magazines and newspapers still lay about in piles and here I sit exhausted and bemused as I've just relived my mother's daily life. Now, there's a lot more going on in her life than just cats but it's puzzling how much thought, time, energy, and money she pours into all the smelly little affection-whores. It's no wonder I spent so much of my post graduation money on international flights and she's often so on edge. For the next few days I'm trapped in the life I ran away from, this is no longer my home, but for the remaining seventy two hours I'll have to call it that.
Did you say there was hummus?
Friday, July 16, 2010
2 poems
Unrest softens in
a lovely dream.
Pleasure-giving, untroubled,
this was love:
unthreatening, enchanted, rewarding,
giving more.
Emilie in reverie,
look at the world
with melancholy.
The femme fatale crushing passivity,
throw off all restraint.
Provocative Venus,
you cannot please all men,
seek to please a few.
a lovely dream.
Pleasure-giving, untroubled,
this was love:
unthreatening, enchanted, rewarding,
giving more.
Emilie in reverie,
look at the world
with melancholy.
The femme fatale crushing passivity,
throw off all restraint.
Provocative Venus,
you cannot please all men,
seek to please a few.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Recently
the roof of the building where I work went on fire.
I happened to be working when it happened. We evacuated the building and joined the crowd on Broadway. We met at Starbucks as instructed. We held a head count. We were all accounted for. We spent hours sitting on Crosby waiting to find out if we'd be let back in the building. We got paid to eat pizza in the street, bum style.
It was my favorite day at work thus far.
I happened to be working when it happened. We evacuated the building and joined the crowd on Broadway. We met at Starbucks as instructed. We held a head count. We were all accounted for. We spent hours sitting on Crosby waiting to find out if we'd be let back in the building. We got paid to eat pizza in the street, bum style.
It was my favorite day at work thus far.
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