Thursday night my mother was away, I was on cat duty, I ate a pint of ice cream, I was watching people fall in the snow after hurtling down a mountain fast, their bodies twisted in unusual ways, the olympics are fascinating. Michael came over and I told him about Chris coming to New York on March 24th. I cried for 5 hours straight, I didn't get any sleep, I went to work the next morning with puffy eyes and a broken heart wearing a parrot dress because it was the last day of vintage dress week. I won by 18 points. I didn't feel like celebrating. When I woke up this morning I had an email from Chris, and one from Michael. Chris said skype isn't working so we can't talk and Michael said:
"You are everything I look for in a lover, friend, artist and human being and I don't want to lose you. Think really hard about what you want and what will make you happy and do it, don't think about other people's feelings for once (your mom, other guy, friends, even me) just do what's right for you and be honest with me and that's all I can ask. I just want to make you happy."So, I fucked up. I don't want to lose Michael, in trying to lose him I realized that. I don't want to lose Chris either but maybe Chris lost himself, maybe he's coming here too late. He has a plane ticket, March 24th he'll be here, but I don't think I'll be waiting, I think I stopped waiting a long time ago. I have to do what I should've done months ago. I have to end it.
Going in for another red bean bun or two, I need the strength.
