Yesterday I was in the country. Well, I was in Long Island, a land of strip malls and stupid accents, but when those things are avoided it can really feel like the country, the good kind. It was beautiful and here it is suspended in time via digital photographs:
Even though I pathetically spent Thursday night eating pints of ice cream, watching olympics, crying for countless hours, being crazy, and trying to end whatever it is this boy and I have, this same boy spent his Sunday off taking me some place beautiful and making me feel good. I showed up to work today in a new vintage fur hat, a token from my adventures, and a great big pep in my step. Nine hours later I left work, went for buns in chinatown, crammed myself into a packed train, and walked in my house, pep still in tow, a feat in itself for a Monday. I threw off my coat and plopped myself down in my swively chair to unlace my black patent leather tipped booties as I simultaneously awoke my laptop.
It had been dreaming, and in its sleep it brought me this. It's a letter. A break up letter. And I'm sharing it here because this letter hits me so hard I think I might crawl out of my skin if I don't put it some place where it feels real. Maybe if I put it here it will feel real. Maybe other people will read it and they'll understand what I still do not. This letter represents two years of my life. It represents a relationship I truly gave everything for, this letter is the sound of my heart breaking a thousand times. I didn't think I could be strong enough to do what he just did and I can't believe that it's here, in writing, the death of something that lived such a hard, but beautiful life. I needed this to happen and I probably couldn't have done it myself but that doesn't make it any less gut wrenching or impossible to grasp. Seven hundred and thirty days of reading emails could never have prepared me for this one...
Hi.
Im a little bit sad today. I guess ive been sad for awhile now. Stuff with being here and stuff with us. I know things have fallen apart between us. I also know that its mostly because of me. The reason I say that its not all me is because its not, not anymore. I know that youre going through a lot of changes in your life. New friends, new experiences, and soon a new home. Im happy about all of that. Its what you should be doing. I hope that youre smart about your choices. Im sure you are.
I have been thinking about us a lot. I think that youre moving in a new direction and you dont need me to hold you back. You should be going out with your friends, having fun, meeting new people with out the thought of me in the back of your mind. It seems like this is what might be happening now.
I dont want to put you in a position where you might have to lie to me or feel bad for something that you shouldnt feel bad about. It seems like you need to be on your own and I think its a good thing. You dont want some old guy like me bringing you down. Youre beautiful, funny, smart, a great artist. You have a lot to keep you going.
It seems like we should call it quits. I hate to say this via email, i really do but I think that its something that youre feeling too and it cant wait any longer. I dont want you to think that I dont care or love you. I do, more than you could ever know. I think about you everyday and this hurts. Ive been a wreck for a month now just thinking about it. I love you so much and the time that we've shared has been the best in my life. I will always feel this way about you. Ive also always known that this day would come. You need someone that isnt gonna be an old guy when youre still young. It wasnt going to last forever. Its best that it ends now, for you and for me. I hope that this doesnt come as a shock to you. I dont think it will because I think you know its the right thing to do. Youll be much happier soon i know it. Now is the time that you should be experiencing new things, new people. Im just holding you back. It will make sense if it doesnt already.
I love you and I hope that I can see you when I get to NY. I miss every second that im not with you and I have a lot of things to tell you but its better to talk to you in person. I hope that we can. I love you more than anything and this is the hardest thing that Ive ever had to do. Im sorry that it had to be through email. It just couldnt wait, for either of us. Im sure you'll be happier.
I love you Emily and I always have. I hope that you wont hate me.
I hope this doesnt come as a shock or surprise. I dont think it will. I have a feeling that youve been feeling this way for a while now......I know its what you want.
I love you..please dont forget that. Ill miss you more than you could ever know.
Please write me back.
