I cried all my makeup off last night. When I woke up my hair looked like this:
I've never seen bangs stick up like that before. I just ate a bowl of oatmeal with cinnamon and honey, I can still taste it.
It's Thursday, the sun is out, I have off today and the house to myself, except of course for all the cats who are running laps around the apartment, not Mr. Ferris Theodore though, he's too fat, so he's sitting near by looking at me. Sometimes I look at my cats and wonder if they have thoughts. I wonder if when they're looking at me they're wondering the same thing. I wonder if they feel depressed and isolated sometimes. I wonder what it's like to be completely covered in fur.
I have to draw 6 things before I allow myself to go anywhere today. A birthday card for Chanell, another one for Roy, a thank you card for Alex to give to her boyfriend's mom, a valentine, something in Michael's book, and I have to deface Audrey for February, she's going to be a nun.
Yesterday a man died on the train I ordinarily take to work, I was on the late train. When it pulled into the 59th street station the early train was across the platform with all it's doors ajar. The conductor announced that due to a sick passenger on the R train before us we were making express stops to Atlantic Pacific, some people who were on the earlier train boarded the late one. A woman was talking loudly to a man, she said the man on the train died. We stayed in the platform for a while, I saw EMTs doing things with tissues and cleaning supplies in the car directly across from mine, I would have been sitting in that car, I would have watched a man die. I wonder who it was, not the man who studies his Italian workbook every day I hope, he's been teaching himself Italian for years, I like watching him scribble his verb tenses over and over again on the sheets of paper he keeps tucked in his book. I wonder how strange it must be, to wake up in the morning, get yourself showered and ready, get to the train, get on the train, and then die, in front of everyone on their way to work. I wonder how everyone on that train must have felt. I wonder how it happened. I wonder why the train conductor said "sick passenger" instead of "dead passenger," I guess that wouldn't be socially acceptable and people would freak out, but I'd rather know the truth. I wonder how many people know that a man on the early train died. I wouldn't have known had I not overheard that loud lady. I'm glad I was running late yesterday.
Chris resurfaced the past 2 nights, we finally had some much needed talks via skype, hence the crying off all my makeup last night. He said he's thinking of coming to New York, something that had he told me months ago would have made me the happiest girl in the world but now only makes me feel concerned. He sensed the change and it scared him. I said I didn't know how he expected me to feel, he's barely been in touch with me since I last visited in October, he's made hundreds of empty promises, he left on this tour and didn't care about how it made me feel, he hurt me more than anyone ever has and I'd probably be half dead right now had it not been for Michael scooping me up and making me feel like a human being again. I didn't tell him about Michael, it's something he doesn't need to know, but I did finally tell him how I've been feeling and it was a rude awakening, he got upset and went to bed, I woke up to an email this morning that said, "It's not fair the way I treated you, even if I didn't mean to do it, that makes it worse somehow. I just have to think about things." I should tell him he shouldn't come but a part of me still really wants him to, I still love him, he's never said he'd come to New York before, I wonder what it would be like to have him here, a part of me wants to see what would happen, maybe we could be happy again, maybe everything would be okay. But then there's Michael, if Chris finally took our relationship seriously and came here and tried to make things work then things with Michael would be over indefinitely, I don't know if I'm ready to lose him. I'm confused.
